Yes , today as I sit and look back at life from my nearing mid fifties I can see so many vibes and perceptions that I could never comprehend ,percieve or even imagine how the waves of time and fate could move anyone in ways and directions unseen , unheard unexpected in the wildest of human imagination .
Yes, at any point in life we are all busy running after errands incomplete and worrying about dreams unfulfilled . But in many ways life is to a large extend preset by forces not under our control .
We have all faced hardships and losses in life that are at times beyond repair be it materially or emotionally.
But we have matured with all this time and tide that’s touched our seasoned shores of life .
Most of us have mothered children who are now flourishing in whatever field they have choosen to be ( I say mother because ,I enjoyed this amazing journey as one )
But reflections on this beautiful path that I have trodden makes me realise many messages to share .
For a woman like me , a daughter , then a wife and then a mother and parallely a career , I thought I was made to be only doing whatever was allocated to me in my zone of “duties ” which I did to the best I could . Yes I managed academics with excellence , housekeeping with pleasure , a wife with immence love showered , a widow with pain and insecurities, my career with success and most importantly as a mother , my motto has been to never count on what I could give out of whatever I had , but to wholeheartedly try to nurture two good human beings that can walk on this earth to spread some useful message to mankind as they have grown .
I am confident that yes I have done that with whatever level of perfection I could and I am contended with it .
Now comes , my story , if all my life I have worked towards my duties and made things happen the way my parents , my husband , children or work place needed it to be then when did I do what I fancy and its this reflection now that makes me feel like unwinding various jouneys I took all focussed in one direction like a specially abled person who only knows to stroll straight ahead and remain deaf to the cacophony to appealing entertainments that frequently came my way .
There does come a stage in life when , career achievements , well nurtured kids , financial security , and mental peace is not enough . The heart seeks more , the soul wants to rest . We even in middle age want to be foot loose and fancy free . Its just at this point in life we start enjoying solo holidays , watching an off beat movie , reading a life changing book and the company of emotionally matured , stable and balanced friends . We fear not the gender because we have grown out of that vulnerable age and desires we care not what the world says , we only want a soul to share our joys and pain
Its this point in life I feel , it dawns on us that why did all my life I save my clothes , my jewellery , my money , my crookeries , my household goddies . That beautiful bed cover ,that hand embroidered table runner and that gorgeous silk dress which is now looking old in the closet .
There were times when I crushed my wish to buy that ethnic jewellery which today even if I can effort to it does not appeal to me .
All my life I paid my life insurance premiums on time because my husband died unexpectedly early and I suffered from uncertainities . But now , I feel my children hopefully have no reason to lean on what I snowballed over years of obsessive saving at the cost of sometimes crumbling my colorful whims and fancies .
These are just random thoughts I know not even today what’s the right choice but atleast yes , I can definitely commit . If health stands by you in pink then worry not just live a life you dream because everything finally can fall into place at a time when a lot of your energy and enthusiasm fades and you look back and life smile and can say ” Yes I have reached , my destination but did I carry more of insecurities and pain than was needed”
Life is actually beautiful, let your desires flow and enjoy everyday . Mortals like us never harm others so neither put yourself in pain
DR MADHUMITA PRIYADARSHINI DAS