ON WOMANHOOD

Sitting on the other side of the 5th decade of life , I wish to pendown a few flashing thoughts .Yes have traversed through childhood and youth to reach the early sunset years of life . But as I look back like all of us perhaps do , I realise life has given me the opportunity to understand and accept a lot of truth which are experiences blissful as well as unpalatable .

I should admit , my childhood was perfect . Grew up in a nuclear family under the care of educated and enlightened parents . They in the 1960’s saw to it that we read , played , drove , swam , recited , debated and even tasted fashion and travel .With no antipathy I had a love marriage in the middle of building up my Medical career . Subsequently my husband proved to be ideal in his respect and concern for my career and limitations . Till that stage in life I should say I was served everything on a golden platter .

But lightening struck when I was in my late 30’s , husband in his 40’s and the boys were 6 and 13 years of age .

I was learning to be financially independent , Husband was at the height of success in his career . The boys were blossoming little hard working geniuses. What better or rather worse stage of life could the bread earner of the family be struck with stage 4 cancer . But that’s what happened and we had just no option .

In over 3 months since diagnosis , when we squeezed in all our resources ,time and energy , the whole situation slipped out of control .The protective patriacal umbrella of the super blessed family was blown away .

I now the sole parent of this family had no choice / respite / pondering but to just plunge in a take a grip of everything .It was like a chariot that was running towards a destination but way ahead of that the charioteer dropped dead and the co driver who was all along still learning the art took full control of things . The chariot flashed past all odds and reached a destination . The passengers are now all over the globe riding their own wheels . Its only now that loneliness has finally set in .

Relfections that sometimes bothers at this stage is ;

As a daughter ,I tried to be whatever best I thought I can .Father passed away a few weeks back . Mother now an octogenarian is also battling loneliness after 58 years of conjugal life . I don’t blame her the least for I am still learning to cope my 17 years of lonliness which is surfacing only now for I have time to look back at the sweet 16 years of togetherness that I had .

As a wife I stood by my husband like a spouse, a doctor, a nurse , a mother … and what ever else possible till death put us apart . But as a mother I am more than confident that I did my level best of course not aware of any unknowing faults in parenting which I am sure I must have committed all along the way .

Today the empty nest with two good human beings having flown off makes me happy and also gripped with solitude .

For if you have earned wealth , imparted knowledge , borne and parented kids , taken care of elderly parents . Now the question I ask …. What is my next responsibility ? . Who do I trust for in my hours of grief or pain . Uncertainities galore . My only objective now is “TO KEEP MY MIND STILL IN ALL THESE SPLASHES OF PAIN , FOR EVERYTHING WILL PERHAPS THAN GO IN VAIN ”

But certainly its not only pain . I do perceive happiness of having done whatever I could . I could wade through the adversities of life with a handful of helpful souls . The universe has blessed my boys to be on their own . I am till date standing like a rock where I have tried to hold on till entrusted by destiny .

DR Madhumita Priyadarshini Das