There are times when I wonder if given a chance to revisit parenting what would I do different. I have been a mother to two boys who have proved to be brilliant, accomplished and independent good humans. The challenge we faced was to loose their father when one was just over 14 years and another a little over 6 years. With family support in the form of my parents coming over whenever needed for that physical presence and emotional support on the major crossroads, we were otherwise sailing independently.
The predicament of raising funds to realise dreams of gifted ambitious children is indeed exhausting. There were times when juggling motherhood and fatherhood messed up my spirit and emotions. Insecurities galore and I am sure at times I was a nagging mom and at other times a completed disconnected confused soul. Learning where to hold and when to let go honestly at the right time cannot be calculated without the mistakes committed in the process.
Least did my kids know how dependent I was on their dad. He not only catered to our family needs but also never allowed me to soak into many of the hurdles we sailed by. Finances was something I learnt to handle only after he was gone. The first time I wrote a cheque for their school was a life changing moment for me. I told myself that yes I will now on raise every penny myself and never allow shadows of uncertainty of education, meals and health ever grip my children.
The promise was made inside me, but the realisation of the same was a herculean task. I confess that I slipped, fell, tripped, got lost but somehow moved on to that one single goal… “A great future for my boy”. I let go friends, opportunities and many simple pleasures of life only to hold on to my goal.
Looking back I understand that all my insecurities were centered around the fear of loosing myself before the journey got over. Honestly I always thought what would happen if I die along the way.
My primary focus was to make them independent. The importance of teaching then to make a simple meal, to drive and to survive alone was my priority. I always tried to morbidly save for the future and also give them whatever best I could on that day.
Sons I know I am not a flawless mom nor did I ever try to be one but I can honestly tell you I am a focussed, dedicated mom even today.
Looking back I feel I could have been a little more complacent with all that was happening. I could have trusted the process of our moulding into where we’ve reached today. The insecurity of loosing myself was real but the trust in this universe put everything into place.
I have to apologise for all my undue upheavals for the clouds of uncertainties that gripped me from time to time.
Now as I sit back and reflect on the past I am only thankful.
The next journey and concern ahead is definitely my survival in solitude that I am in. I should admit that I enjoy my space but the concern now is what if I fall a prey to issues I cannot handle alone.
The faith in this universe where we three sailed not knowing where the shores are is definitely because the wind adjusted our sail. Even now I work, pray and carry on for myself and trust the journey till I dock my ship.
2 replies on “Looking back at parenting”
From the little experience I have being a mom, I know how difficult it can be. So, I commend you on all that you did for your boys and still do today.
From the little experience I have being a mom, I know how difficult it can be. So, I commend you on all that you did for your boys and continue to do for them.