Author: Madhumita Das

life is actually your reaction to a given situation. In the course of a normal day almost all of us run through similar ups and downs. However certain phases of life for all of us can be extremely painful. The impact of every event in one’s life depends on how you react. Some people have the ability to handle a lot with least surge of adrenaline or a spurn of serotonin. It’s actually easy to respond to any stressors by just pushing the panic button. But it takes a lifetime of penance and perseverance to learn to chill after any jolt in life.

It’s only the resilience that a person gathers from having handled storms of unexpected events that they know how to navigate through another one. The waves of moulting lava that flow out from an unexpected situation will freak out every individual who has never seen the volcano or survived the heat. The thought of balancing in a situation that you cannot imagine is actually unsurmountable. It is also neither possible to face every situation with a smile for how we feel at that moment or day will groom us to pave our way.

Some situations are honestly very difficult specially when it involves our dear ones. But just as a brook takes a journey to flow with a river and a river takes a road down to meet the sea, so also each of us mould, break, remould and evolve into souls we deserve to be.

Have you been noticing the maddening Guwahati traffic. This city has no rules for driving, parking, walking or even standing.

No where in India ( any smart city) shall you find vehicles to right, vehicles to left, vehicles behind all in a sea of vehicles. To top it all, pedestrians often smartly raise an arm and cross the road when the signal has just turned green and you have started driving after a few minutes of waiting.

The question here is, why is everyone in such a rush? If you are maintaining a decent distance from the vehicle ahead of you why others barge in from another lane. If you are taking a left turn with your flasher blinking, why does a two wheeler cross you on your left and you thump with a adrenaline pumped heart beat.

With new flyovers, road widening lighting and policing nothing appears to ease traffic. It’s just perhaps the mind set of our people. Unless we have the time and attitude to be patient nothing will change. Let’s do some teaching of decency to our comrades. If even a small fraction of our educated people start a venture obviously many will benefit from. Every car/ two wheeler please be polite and patient. By crashing traffic rules and creating chaos on the road either by rash driving or irresponsible parking you are challenging your own peace of driving.

Since our roads are narrow and population is high it’s all the more important to work in symbiosis to make life easier by following rules. Unless our drivers, pedestrians, slow vehicles are willing to change their mindset from gatecrashing to civilised civic rules followers nothing can change.

A class of educated people sit together to frame civic rules and some talk about developed countries and their facilities. But the reality is no country can progress unless citizens have it in their mindset to abide by rules with no second thought.

Parking is an etiquette. Driving a fancy vehicle but parking irresponsibly reveals your uncivilised crude true nature.

It’s not any authority who can set this right. It’s us, YOU and ME who have to soak it in us that “this is our city and it’s our individual responsibility to make life liveable”

Dr Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

This is often a lesser discussed concept. However with every other family who are managing a home and raising kids, does anyone even for a thought imagine what it is to sail alone. Most people highlight their limitations when one parent is temporarily off line. But unless you run over the grill of balancing parenthood and work together it is not easily comprehendible. Humans are naturally created to be either a mom or a dad. A female child loves to play with a baby doll trying to be the mother and boys love cars and guns. This is of course not mandatory but when circumstances compel otherwise the sailing gets bumpy. It also perhaps depends upon the situation.

These days some youngsters by choice adapt single parenting and they follow their own strategy of accomplishing it. My highlight here is to share the major hurdles that I as a single mom encountered 20 years back when I had to manage two boys one in his early teens and another just 6 years old.

The 1st feeling is just a thunderous, fearful, sinking fear of uncertainty. There was always a castle of high hopes and aspirations nurtured over a decade of married life which got crushed in the blink of an eye. The initial few months is obviously managing grief and insecurities. It’s a very big challenge to set oneself back onto the rails and keep moving ahead. In the process of monitoring the mental health of children the mother in me forgot to address my own issues. I highly recommend every single parent who’s trying to face this challenge with a rage of love and promises, it’s extremely important to also care about all the mental and physical limitations that you encounter and not feel guilty about it as I once did. There was a time when I felt gripped with blameworthiness whenever I was tired at the end of a long day.

Now after over two long decades, yes I can reveal the rather ludicrous things I once did. I strongly believed that good food was only for my children. All my earnings was only for their rearing. I should never ever even dream of any personal priority. I am not too sure if the boys ever understood all my efforts and intentions. But looking back I feel one should never forget to love oneself.

The mountain of promises and commitments can be realised not just because you are working hard. It’s actually because your children also follow you. Such gifted and parentally challenged children have that igniting force to run towards their dreams.

Emotions like loneliness, love and simple desires of living got annihilated from my heart. I sometimes ask, would it have been possible to balance myself with all what was happening. Even today I am not sure.

It’s indeed a herculean task to live a normal life and also move on with grief and losses.

But certain facts are obviously more lucidly comprehensible now.

• If you are working hard finances fall in place

• If physical and mental health are taken care of, you can run the race

• Children learn values from what you do. Not from what you teach.
• leave certain decisions to this universe to which you are giving your best.
• Trust your children with their decisions.
• Never believe that they will forever depend on you.
• The sole purpose of parenting is to make children independent as early as possible.
• At the end of it all never believe that I will be a baggage for them to carry.
• Trust in destiny and keep floating as long as possible.
• Children obviously know your insecurities and they will hold when needed.
• Today looking retrograde and commenting is very easy compared to what it was when the days were charged with helplessness, fear, hopes and hard work.I came across so many people commenting with weird advice. But I am thankful that the courage in me kept me going valiantly. Simple skills like meeting a teacher in school, helping children with their daily issues, being an earning parent and a caring mother. I swear is something not every soul would appreciate.
• All said and done. I understand no one nurtures kids to be applauded. We enjoy the beautiful journey through all the bumps. Every day is divine. All we need to be thankful that we got a chance to do it. Now my only hope is as long as possible, let me deliver my dues to this universe so I can reach a shore of peace.

This busy world that keeps us running round the clock sometimes pauses to ask a question. Where are we headed for ? When will most of us feel done and dusted ? What’s our destination upto ?

The simple answer to most of us is that we are moving on in an inertia where our pursuit for the wrap up to ring down the curtain is undefined.

As young adults we were headed for a career, next most people get busy with family and priorities around our loved ones. We work initially to get the ship of life sailing and when we reach the mid sea we dream higher and unless intercepted with misfortune the goal gets misty in the horizon. As success ushers people envisage bigger fantasies. It’s at this time when it’s important to ask oneself, what did I initially conceive about life and now what am I trying to pursue.

It’s absolutely pragmatic to upgrade and bear aloft one’s achievements but the question is where to ? and also when upto ?

It’s one life that we are all living . We need to work, achieve, give, relish and also take back our share of bliss. The journey of the busy race sometimes blurs the purpose with the pace. The few who know when to hold up, slow down, introspect and be in peace with this universe are the few blessed ones.

The aura of material attainments and triumph of social positions are perhaps alluring. At the same time that beautiful delineation between to do and done needs to be drawn. Apart from running for herculean achievements to fill our basket of name and fame it’s edifying to perceive that life has beauty beyond.

The small fountains of peace in every situation in life are often ignored until a very late stage of maturity. There is so much happiness in making another person smile. That wild flower in the bush and the drop of dew on the grass in your backyard. The neatly set kitchen, that half empty wardrobe. The dishes done and the laundry bag empty. Some may feel these are paltriness. But no if you can feel happy with these usually insignificant things then peace is what you have perceived.

The journey continues as preset. But the traveller which is each of us can choose to be happy or forever thirsty. The baggage of good and bad is usually equal at the end of it all. What matters is how we introspect what we have on our platter. Honestly meeting your own soul and counting all the positive energy it holds can give each of us a wonderful feeling of fulfilment.

Life is ultimately how you interpret your own equation of search and found in terms of pains taken to reach holy grails.

Life takes us through childhood, adolesence, youth, parenthood, job, excellence and what not. However in my life I must admit that the greatest feeling of happiness has come with my little package of love, Alana my grand daughter.

First of all she’s the daughter I always wanted and then to my perception she is the cutest baby in this universe . She’s brought me that feeling of pure joy and bliss that I have been unknowingly groping for in the last over two decades of life.

I have seen and heard about how grandparents bond with their grand children but when my turn came to occupy this seat I swear there is no greater happiness.

The thought of her living across the oceans in a far off land just pours in my endorphins and drenches me with pure happiness. Those early morning video conversations packed with smiles and monosyllabic sounds gives me the energy to carry on for the whole day. She has unknowingly given me all the love that I had lost long ago.

As children grow up the cuddly bundle of joy is no more there to hug and kiss. However we get used to the changing scenario of life and also get engrossed in the myriads of priorities that hold our energy to keep going. It’s only when you are least expecting to once again live with your arms full of contentment and pleasure does the almighty bless you with a grand child.

With her my prayers are richer and life has become more meaningful than ever before. I have suddenly realised that there are more reasons than I thought to carry on.

This bliss of being a grandma is no way comparable to any other laurels that life ever brought me.

I pray that all my children and grand children stay safe, loved, happy and good to this universe.

by

Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

As we move in life it’s important to develop our emotional skills and sentimental resilience.

Some people are staunch believers that everything bad in this world happens to others and not me. This denial of accepting reality is often the main reason why we suffer whenever unexpected events strike. The ability to withstand a storm comes from one’s experience of having ever seen a hurricane in life. People who live on the sea shore are never scared of the tides and those who dwell on the snow capped mountains or the poles know how to survive through the harsh winters. But if these two persons had to interchange neither of them would sail out smiling. It’s always one’s ability to slides through sequence of adjustments that nurtures our competence to move on in life. Now this skill does not drop down from heaven as a blessing nor from the comforts and riches of wealthy homes. This ability is learnt from our exposure to real life situations that are grounding. Infact the delicately protected person who has always been hand held in life never knows to balance unseen or unheard realities.

These people are so protected throughout life that they sadly never had the opportunity of facing hurdles alone and as such could never learn the art of adjusting their sail in a tornado.

Another subset who unfortunately never got to face the world outside their restricted comfort zones are socially challenged. Many such people are academically brilliant. They can answer to the most difficult knowledge charged questions but are challenged in the skill to gel into a society of diverse individuals.

Blessed are the people who have been nurtured close to day to day realities of life. They know the topography of the land of their living with all its social, cultural, financial and ethical norms. This is never learnt from a glass palace. The person who has walked on the streets of life alone and unaided would know how to manoeuvre their way through without loosing ground while they sail.

It’s the misfit or labile person who lands up always cursing their situation. An emotionally healthy person can appreciate the reason and limitations of every other person who is good intentioned. They can also identify the swindler or the trickster.

However it’s crucial to understand that age, professional acuity, knowledge nothing can nurture emotional quotient. An individual’s real life journey and their will to appreciate the flow of life with all its ups and downs can perhaps make a person emotionally stable.

A person who is emotionally resilient is never remorseful of day to day realities.For them handling the usual events of life can neither make them fuming with anger nor trembling in fear.

Perhaps if we can live a life which comes within our bandwidth of abilities can we nurture emotional resilience.

by

Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

The place where the soul heals the heart rests, the mind feels comforted is what I believe is home. However there comes a time when I ask myself where’s my home? The house I call my nest is my home alone. My soul mate departed two decades back. The portions of my flesh and blood who I trust are my sons have made their homes across the globe. My little granddaughter who steals my heart everyday is actually not my nationality. I wonder so where is my home? As long as destiny permits my little nest built with all hopes and wishes which had housed me for over two decades I trust is my home.

But a home is a complete feeling when you have a family. I am of course blessed with a beautiful family . It’s just that my stars want me to keep looking at my family and wonder why I always long to be secured with them.

I have actually forgotten the feeling of warmth over a meal and laughter over uninhibited conversations.

Very few would I know even care to wonder how this feels. But yes when you are your own saviour your own companion and you own security it means your life is a pole apart.

There are certain situations in life where the message carried is far more valuable than the situation itself. Yes this is one such real life juncture that’s set my reflections rolling.

Most of my friends know that my two sons have made America their home. I as a mother have for decades faced weird questions at times, when people ask with concern about my future. However I have always allowed the wind of destiny to navigate my flow of life.

I believe a person with values of life will know when to hold and when to let go. Here’s a real life scenario that my two sons are handling at this moment and it makes me wonder how such values brewed in them.

Our elder son had gone to the US way back in 2008 just after his 12th standard examination, when actually a person in not moulded to full maturity to survive independently in a foreign country. Yes American kids also prefer to do the same in their own country with parental support in need. Here its a Indian boy brought up in a protected environment but nurturing beautiful dreams. Back up stands a mother who values every ambition of her children with huge trust, faith and hard work. This identical scenario was repeated in 2015 after 7 years when my younger son expressed his desire to pursue a similar dream.

Back home is this single mom believing that she perhaps has done everything in proper shape but unaware about what values she might have nurtured in them.

Now coming to the situation that triggered my reflection. When Raja our older son was an undergrad student he had met a professor in school who’s super brilliant but like many other geniuses his teacher was somewhat lacking in social skills. He retired over a decade ago, but he has no family. A newyorker settled in Kansas city with no immediate family is the real life scenario. So it’s obvious that Jeet our younger son never met him as his teacher. But I am at times amazed to see that my two boys and their wives are his only immediate family now. They always check on his groceries, medication and other essentials from time to time and they are just a phone call away in times of his distress. They sometimes cook meals for him and give him company when he’s is feeling lonely. They play board games and read books. Lately Saul has been on oxygen therapy round the clock as COPD has over powered his lungs injured by cigarette smoking through out his life.The emergency phone numbers for Mr Saul are the numbers of my two boys. Saul has even written that after his demise his formalities will be carried out by these two bothers.

This for me is really a make believe scenario where a ex student and his younger brother are the only next in kin of a great scholar and an asset of the country for all his scientific contributions.

Today Saul is in his death bed and my elder son has rushed back from a work trip from Albuquerque and Jeet who just got married a fortnight ago is also back from his honeymoon in Hawaii. They are trying to be by his side as long as possible either by turns or together. Their hope is that Saul does not take his last breath alone.

So here are the two brothers raised in a home far away by a lonely mother who always jittered to ask herself if everything was moving right.

May reflection today is “trust in destiny and do your best” .

The concept of weightage given to any event in our lives is entirely personal priority. However certain occasions I feel are accepted unanimously as landmark. Just as every mother and child are tied by the umbilical cord so also cutting it at birth does not ever mean emotional separation.

Can any mother appreciate the feeling of not being physically present for your child’s wedding. I am obviously not looking for an opinion poll. It’s just a personal gush of memories and thoughts that can torment some women.

As a child is born the wonderful journey of parenting starts, there begins healing of the child birth pain with all the outpouring of endorphins from maternal instincts. Nobody can naturally love a child as much as the mother who’s conceived, grown and borne a baby. It is difficult to sink into the reality that there may be a reason for a mom to miss out on such an important day of the child’s life.

After birth a very important day is obviously the occasion of the child’s wedding. There will be people who believe this is weird thinking. Thanks but I am not looking for you today.

It also depends on how one lines up each their own priorities. For a family who is on the path of immigration the equations are balanced a little differently. I want to see my sons settled comfortably with their soulmates at a time when they are looking for genuine companionship. Every first generation immigration has to handle the trauma of separation, loneliness and insecurities a little differently. I am that mother who has decided to not stand in between my childrens aspirations and ground realities. This wedding at this timing within 3 months of my last visit had to be planned because of better reasons.

For me juggling between the official formalities and responsibilities of a government job and the role of a mother were not easy to be sorted out. I did what my limitations said. But I am ok.

It’s a big day I am missing out in person. I am thankful to the almighty that Raja, Jessica and Alana are there. Mampu, Matu deserve a special thanks.

But my dear Jeet and Kylie, Ma loves you with all her heart and soul. Forgive me for my physical absence. But emotionally I am holding you.

God bless you my children.

28th October 2023

The ups the downs, the all time changing landscape of life is definitely not without reason. Every person one meets has personal stories to highlight, how unavoidable circumstances created storms of good and bad in living. Actually life is perhaps what happens when we are busy planning other things.

Looking back , I must admit that most of my seasoning has happened as a result of bitter realities. Unlucky are the ones who always had unchallenged cushioned sailing lives. If you have not faced a sea storm you don’t know how to adjust the sail to stand the wind.

Its only those people who have fought the rage of circumstances will have the skill to row steadily juggling the tormenting flow of unseen events.

Holding on cooly to the ground when the surroundings compel one to shunt between rage, fear, anxiety and emotions is actual maturity. Aaha! easier said than done. Situations that create moral conflict “to move or not/ yes or no” are at times taxing.

But we are all here on an unwritten contract of service to this universe for an undeclared duration. Since we are all in the same boat on uncertainties, we should learn the art of acceptance. The capability to live in the present moment accepting all blessings is a huge asset for some.

Mourning, brooding, complaining are basic responses. But smiling and moving through good and bad is definitely a consciously nurtured virtue.

But all said and done. Today I stand at a crossroad of huge happiness and uncontrolled emotions as my little boy is getting married across the globe in a week from now and I the single mom cannot make it to be there physically.

It’s Durga Puja here which means family bonding, celebrations and happiness. This soul here is already feeling left out. Nothing to get on to the spirit of the season. Over all that imagine your little Jeetla getting married in the midst of the mountains of Colorado in the company of his brother and cousins. Me the mother here is balancing sentiments and reality. Life will definitely move. I am not looking for words of comparison with anyone else. But this is life. Everything is possible and acceptance and moving on is what’s most practical.

Prayers, blessings, courage, love everything galore for Jeet and Kylie.

Children stay happy across this globe. Ma is with you in spirit and soul.