Author: Madhumita Das

“Single woman” is an identity created by the society for women who stay on without a partner beyond perhaps the 3rd or 4th decade of life onwards. This happens either by choice, separation, divorce, or demise of the partner who today may be of the same gender or opposite.Its beyond then purview of this writeup to discuss about same sex relationship and transgender.

The reason behind highlighting the issues around being single in the society today is that many of the situations are never ever focussed or understood.

Being single as a young woman in the third or fourth decade is a little different from the issues in later life be it 6th, 7th or 8th decades of life.

A section of young presentable women simply face a volley of questions from some morbidly curious people.They want a well researched case summary as to why you have chosen to remain single.

Are you still in love with the man who came to your life as a partner or husband.These queries are often disgusting and unpalatable.At the other end are the ones who like to eve’s drop with derision if a single woman frequently goes out with a male friend or takes a regular ride in someone’s car.For the middle-class Indian mind set the accepted norm is your either are married or in a relationship or pitiably single.

From my journey of being a widow in my third decade of life with two little kids till almost two decades now. I have realised, *People generally take pleasure in showing pity and not empathy. *Most people are happy when you are struggling through troubled waters. *If by chance your ship of life reaches an anchor, oops! 8 out of 10 people are begrudging in reaction.

As a doctor when I started multitasking by working in multiple places to meet my families financial needs. I was actually nurturing two little geniuses who had holy grails for successful futures. At that point in life I met colleagues who advised me to stay back at home and be a good mother.The society often misunderstands that a single woman can stand the rage and be a bread earner, a mother, a daughter, a teacher and yet live a good life.This finally steers the boat of the family to reach a destination of choice.

Yes, even today a class of cowardice machos do take these woman for a ride. More so in domains where females are generally less competent. If you try to construct a house or settle land matters, hurdles are many. I accept that these situations unless a person is acquainted with, the feeling of being taken adrift is universal.But the response encountered by a single female in these places of work are at times most dispiriting. I have landed up paying 4 times the usual rate because of ignorance about the concerned matter.

These sundry of umpteen experiences has a list unending.

It would also be completely erroneous to not mention the arduous journey of any single parent and the sacrifices needed to make it worthy.

The idea of this piece is definitely not to project that single females lead a thorny life. They also have their privileges and pleasures.If someone is single by choice or even by chance with no added heavy responsibilities life is enjoyable.The lady who opts to live within her fetters can celebrate her living to boundless contentment. However health and finances are crucial pre determinants to plan anything in life. Blessed are the ones who enjoy solitude and are by nature independent and confident.

Recently the news of a celebrity female who did the cremation rites of her husband has been focussed in various forums with admiration. But without any prejudice I wish to mention that in my late 30’s, I did my husband’s last rites as the kids were too young to accomplish such devoir.

After that over the next two decades I enjoyed all the good and bad of life and living including the hassles of job and postings away from home. However if any single mother can be courageous enough to malleably slide along the curves and corners of life and take blind dives into unknown waters, the sailing may be rough but life gets going.

Recently also on the demise of my father, me and my sister did his last rites.We never thought it’s something to mention about. I thank my stars that I’ve been born to a family where gender discrimination for shouldering responsibilities was never nurtured.

Being a woman is a wonderful journey, but not to be prejudiced during upbringing is crucial. It is definitely a curse to believe that chores and obligations are gender biased. The perils and privileges are as such not the same for everyone. The society where one is born and brought up largely determines the social blessings and hurdles.

One major concept life has taught me is expectation is the source of all pain. It is the naive and untutored single female who hopes that help comes from people who you actually believe are your closest. Life has taught me that I survive on help that has poured into my journey as blessings from most unexpected seraphs.

Many a times I’ve gone and hit a dark wall which looks like the end of everything. But suddenly a lamp lites up from nowhere and I am guided to rise again.This promise to rise and fall is crucial for every human being. But the difference here is, you often do not have a crutch to hold on and limp.

If one has a family, however small or languorous the members are. All same people join hands in distress.The unhappily married woman often does not realise, that a partner itself is a social security. Besides if your partner shares financial responsibilities that’s another benediction. Baring major marital mishaps,I am tickled when some women complains about their qualified spouses being useless. If there is a soul in this world who will extend a hand when you are drowning then one cannot be luckier.

All said and done, it takes courage to manage life alone.Yes, one needs to be resilient to many social trenchancy. But I am yet to equip myself to face the rage of old age and physical limitations.

When such thoughts haunt I take consolation in the fact that, sailing this far was possible with blessings unforeseen. I presume the sun will set on life when it should. Trying not to hold on to fear expectations and hope, but it’s for sure an uphill battle.

By

Dr Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

Friendship is a devine blessing on mankind. It’s the only kind of commitment without any legal bonding. It’s a wonderful blessing on some people. One needs to be really lucky to have friends who you can trust, love, quarrel, punch, open up and expect to hold on through thick and thin. Such friends are god send.

Even within a family children should respect their parents and are duty bound to carry out certain responsibilities.whether it suits them or not. Siblings also quarrel but that biological cord of the family finally holds them together. But true friends have no beholden commitments except that they connect with emotions.

Only very few lucky ones have one or two such emotionally committed friends.But most of us have a plethora of friends in life. The first set of friends are the work related ones.Whether at school or office this set of people are the ones we meet everyday. These may not be our fastest friends but they generally have a great influence in our day to day lives. Children bond the highest with this group and their world is generally to a large extend governed by their peer cluster. In the most formative years of life the influence exerted by these friends go a long way in moulding our avenues of interest and pursuits of life.

As we grow up one’s exposure to the world widens up. At this stage depending on the core personality of the person the plethora of varied friends widen up. Some people are by nature introverts and they don’t land up with a big bunch of friends. But they know who they can gel with. Here the age old saying ” Tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are” bears a huge relevance.

Society is the crux of human happiness. Outside home and family our blessing is friendship. As the world opens up to us we start developing arrays of connections.

Some friends catch up for holidaying. They are happiest together on vacations.They love to travel, play, singalong and enjoy the lighter side of life together. They can relax and destress together without any inhibitions.

Friends at our workplace often are very dear. But colleagues may have a sense of emulation amongst themselves. This may not allow them to open up uninhibited in this circle.

But one of the most blessed category of friends are the ones who you can trust in distress. Lucky you are if you know that you have at least one friend who will not let you down in a crisis.These days very few people have such friends.You can actually sit back and trust that they will provide a cushion in any situation.

Now with families becoming smaller and nuclear we often reach a stage when we seek security in social endearment.Today’s usual course of life is childhood, adolescence, youth, marriage, family, nurturing children and toiling to grow professionally. In the meantime children grow and fly out of the nest.Then comes a beautiful stage of financially secured relatively leisure filled healthy life ( if lucky). At this stage we want friends for happy experiences. This is also a stage to give back to the society who stood by us in various ways throughout life. The experience of comrades of a feather flocking to work together with no expectations in return is ecstasy. This group of people can make the world a better place to live in. By this stage everyone has experienced grief, happiness, success and failures. These real time perceptions gives them a confidence to hold on.If like minded friends don’t join hands many people start feeling insecure at the dawn of their sunset years.

Life is actually what we make it. The peace and security within a family is definitely of the highest order. But for various reasons beyond control not everyone can find it for granted.

The best experiences are always hidden in the interactions of like minded people.

To wrap it up all ‘true, trusted, enduring friendship is a Devine blessing.’ treasure and nurture it with utmost care if you have even one such friend.

The pivot of life is family but the meaning of living is friendship.

By

Dr Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

We all sat still, trembling, shuddered. I reflected ….. Is this all about life, living and family.

With covid 19 shaking humanity in most weird ways we have seen so many distressing stories right in front of us. The very fact that a person is left to face pain and mental strain all alone with no healing contact of family and friends is by itself vexatious.

But all said and done we as medical caregivers have witnessed various types of family interactions. Some are obsessed attendants keeping track of every fluctuating parameters of their ones. Some others just keep a daily ferret out of the overall situation. But family is always the closest, dearest and pivotal crux of life.

Covid is an agonising situation. From diagnosis till the end the patient has to face the whole storm with the support of only medical and paramedical staff who themselves are under commitments beyond dexterities.Finally the excruciating situation of cremation being done by people on official duty is actually beyond comprehension even for us doctors.

This incident is about one morning when we were on covid duty. Suddenly there was a call from the red zone ICU. An elderly retired bureaucrat who was covid positive and on treatment had started sinking in all his parameters.During his hospital stay his sole attendant was his only son in Delhi. He would connect telephonically every few days and also arranged for the necessary finances. But we did realise that the patient was overall a lonely man, except for his son who was well placed in job, he appeared to have no one who was emotionally bonded with him.

On this ill-fated day when he was all set to travel out of this material world the medical care givers felt obliged to connect with his son. A telephonic call was made from inside the covid ICU to the son to inform him about his father’s terminal status.

What thunderstruck us is the languid cold hearted response of the well placed man from Delhi.The ICU nurse was hoping to make a video call or render a few words of consolations as is the usual trend.But a sudden offensive blast appeared to elude us all. The cavalier voice from the other side replied. Since it is a covid situation and government shall perform the last rites all I can do is send some flowers across.

We all stood rooted. I felt a weird sinking sensation. Someone muttered in disgust offensive words.

I asked myself, Is this all about life ?

Dr Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

What makes someone happy at a point in life may be his cause of disgust at another time. In our schooldays we wait for a call from a special friend with heart throbs and butterflies in our tummy. But same friend when becomes a spouse may be boring. To keep such emotions alive its the responsibility of each person involved alike.

I loved rock music and jazz, relished ice creams and burgers . But today my choice is melodious soft beats and enjoy a carbs free low oil proteincious meal.

In the past my regular moral duty was academics and today it is exercise. Just as completion of study hours makes a student feel lighter and happier to pursue hobbies.These days its about exercise.Unless you are a workout freak, it takes an effort to get going everyday and feel happy about it.

But certain perceptions are immortal. The ushering of spring and the song of the cuckoo. The gurgling of the brook and the shower of first rain of the season.We cannot ignore the colours of fall or the soft breeze at dusk.These are stores of happiness unlimited.

For a mother the happiest moment is the touch of the new born. The moment of utmost satiety is first feeding your baby.

Life actually goes on with changing perceptions for release of our happy hormones.

But the band master of this whole orchestra of flowing happiness is in the most insignificant opportunities of life. We should feel happy that we got a chance to see a new day or the touch of a pleasant breeze. A nice meal is a feel good factor. Watching our children grow or our parents age is a great opportunity. Wrapping up a day with gratitude is peaceful.

It’s ultimately what every human is running after ” Happiness and peace”. But we often fail to perceive the blessings of everyday life. People spend time and resources to buy happiness.But this feeling is extremely personal. Peace and happiness are actually following us. But instead of looking around we are often running forever to catch that happy cloud in the horizon which can never be touched.

Happiness is so capricious. If we wish to, we can be happy with everything around. If we have a monumental perception of happiness and peace our journey towards it is never done.

Dr Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

These days with the evolving digital era and now lately with the restrictions laid by the pandemic I have realised the perils and challenges of parenting have also been mounting. But besides the changing scenario with times parenting is definitely a job that every person wishes to carry out at some point of their lives. The added wonder to this is since no two children are the same their is no common formula to it. I firmly believe that once we are done with parenting a toddler to teens we realise all your mistakes.

My goal of parenting was to bring up two little kids to be independent good human beings. I had to handle this huge responsibility single handedly at a relatively early stage in life. More so the wonder was two little bubbly boys one was 6 and other 13 years of age. But they were full of energy to face the world. I was obviously young and inexperienced but struggling to hold on.

The first point I tried to soak into them was our priorities are health and education.I will try to give them a balanced diet as best as I can and not compromise with schooling. That was the goal set and all other fancy things of life like exotic clothes, shoes, or expensive holidays were for the time being trimmed out of our platter of priorities.I honestly believe children understand.Hardships make tuffer persons at the end of the day. Of course quality time and examplary dedicated lifestyle of parents is crucial.

My observation is pampered kids are usually insecure. They perhaps always believe that someone will carry their bags, wash, cook and clean for them. But if these kids are also brilliant and bright they later perhaps curse their upbringing for the pain of getting along with life. The mouldable ones often adjust and learn the basic skills of living. But the mediocre kids land up with big goals but fuzzy roads. Many develop psychosocial problems and some land up being frustrated. Yet others who have their parental umbrella protecting them till the 3rd or 4th decades of life are usually inutile bootless people.Every individual is made to learn confidence and be happy only when they prove themselves to be worth if possible more than their caregivers.

Excuse me if I am wrong, but parenting and love is not synonymous.Showering wealth and appreciating a child’s attitude to evade social norms are never useful.Some parents are so happy in admitting that my child is different and will not accept what everyone else does.I believe this is sheer ignorance in parenting. The usual expectation is our children will live longer than us. After we are gone, nobody in this world not even their spouses will bear with their supercilious vanity.So being grounded, independent and empathetic are as important as being honest and humble to make a complete person.Parenting should probably be aimed to make a complete human being to run the race of life.

We middle class common people always dream that our children build up a professional career that caters to their aspirations about useful living.In that process my personal opinion is spot their passion.If passion can be nurtured to become a profession more can be achieved with less pain perceived out of the struggle.

Gone are the days of only medical and engineering being counted successful career options . We now live in times when a musician, swimmer, a painter, a chef or a dresser are equally respected and needed in the society.

For those who do not have a heritage of wealth and fortune to leave behind. It is better to nurture your child’s healthy passion to become a successful career option.

Again the attitude of the parents also goes a long way in moulding a child’s personality.The concept of care is not synonymous with helicopter parenting.Some people believe that even giving up their jobs and moving away with the kids for their comfort and security is helpful.While others blissfully allow then to fly out of the nest by the time they are 18.Now what is right and what is wrong is difficult to delineate statistically.However at the end of it all if a kid grows up to be an honest, empathetic, diligent, good balanced human being which in turn is a product of nature( genes) and nurture( parenting) things fall into place.No form of parenting can be called perfect. I myself have committed numerous unpardonable mistakes. Nor do I believe that I can deal with this subject with confidence.But all said and done, I must admit that I am a single mother of two software professions who luckily were blessed to be independent good human beings in their early 20’s.

One very major aspect of parenting I believe is trust.If we trust a child we get that back from them .The other important practice is I believe to encourage them in all their endeavours. Encouragement builds confidence

To wrap up , Luck and destiny also directs the sailing of the boat of life .

BY

Dr Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

With the pandemic of Covid 19 raging attacks in waves on mankind many realisations surface. As a medical professional we have closely seen the cycle of birth and death over the last three decades of life.But the situation that has emerged from this biological warfare is different. We have soaked into the fact that death is just one step away from life.

A colleague who worked with us yesterday is covid positive today and tomorrow he walks into heaven.The shudder, shock, despair and anguish at that moment is just not possible to sink into. Each soul honestly thinks that “God I hope I am not the next”

Despite all this, if and when one tests positive, the grip of uncertainties is unsurmountable.But for those who sail out to good health the gratitude also is unmeasurable.

With all this happening around, now at this stage in life some realisations have got engraved in my attitude towards life.

I realise that we travel in life with a lot of extra baggage which actually makes life painful.We should mould ourselves to throw away *Pride. *Expectations *Desire *Ego *Pain of hanging on to grief *Fear *Anguish *Knee jerk or spurt of the moment reactions *Jealousy *Comparison of our blessings with others *Unrealistic goals *Tendency to hold on material memories of life with pain. *Worries about tomorrow.

Instead let’s learn living in the moment with humility, grace and contentment.

Just as decluttering our closet makes room for new things and distributing unused material often brings a smile to many. So also it is with life. The moment we shrug off desire, ego and expectations we feel contented with whatever we have. We just never feel the urge to compare our lives with anyone.

When we stop grieving about our losses, we tide over fear and can control anguish.Our personality then becomes pleasant. Such people radiate peace and tranquility. This stage is difficult to achieve because grief, fear and anguish are our survival instincts. However our ability to overcome all this comes from faith.If we can start to believe that everything happens for a reason. That reason is usually not perceivable now but it makes life brighter in future.This faith helps to cultivate patience to wait and watch. Inturn we become peaceful.

A peaceful person is never jealous or unhappy over anything he does not pocess. Such people are actually happy in the real sense of the word.This happiness is not transient or dependent on the changing scenario of life.

If one can rise above fear and anguish we can also perhaps tame anxiety.The constant fear of tomorrow is a huge burden that most of us carry. That’s also perhaps a survival instinct that makes us work productively and positively today. But if this concern for tomorrow rises morbidly we get gripped in fear and anguish.

The reality of life is in today, more so in this moment. Let us learn to be thankful for this moment that we are alive and healthy with whatever limitations if any but not crippled.The moment we throw away our morbid concern about tomorrow, today feels very comfortable.Trust in doing good and right at the moment. That’s all we can do for tomorrow’s security.

Another very important virtue for good living is never to react at the height of anger, grief, or even happiness. Those are the moments in life when even a genius tends to be biased.When we are not in a balanced mental state our reactions can never be stable.Those are the moments that often leave us with regrets.

The other piece of heavy baggage we sometimes unknowingly carry is “Pursuing unrealistic goals”. If something is not within the bandwidth of ones resources of intellectual or financial capabilities, the pain of running after it will make us tired and unhappy sine dine.

The worst form of pain is perhaps trying to compare ourselves with others. As we all know that every person is actually fighting his own battle.Some people fear the storm while others dance in the breeze. If we trust in destiny and believe in resilience for situations beyond our control we can realise how much we can soak.

There is always an unexplored talent in every person which surfaces only in crisis.It’s universal to panic as the first reaction. But time always proves different. Only after the rage of the storm calms down can we realise how well we withstood the wind, water, hail, waves and fear. So just hang on, use your intellect and physical capabilities. We always land up where we ought to be.In realtime our resilence and ability to fight is always more than we gauge.

MAN IS MORTAL.

Life is never all rainbows and spring.In reality seasons are not timed the same in everyone’s life.When your friend is honeymooning you may be lamenting the demise of your spouse.But when the same friend is struggling with the perils of parenting you may be in bliss of solitude. So perhaps the mantra is hang on or keep moving.Have faith, whichever destination you reach is your predestined fate.

If we can cultivate calmness everything just falls to wherever it should.

If we can accept the good and the bad in preassigned slots of our soul we can face the wind or the breeze with the same calm and we land being a contented peaceful soul.

So the bottom line of life is as and when possible without any compulsion throw off extra baggage and travel light.This attitude can make us feel easier to hang on and find peace even in pain and calmness even in the storms. For life goes on as long as it should.

by

DR M P DAS

If health permits trust in only yourself.

Friendship is a boon on some people only.

Family is even greater a blessing.

But happiness in friendship or family is a game of dice.

Work and love yourself.

Cater to your passions.

I have that learnt that nobody else cares.

Do good to others in need, but never burn yourself or your inner peace.

Just to see someone smile.

That much is never worth.

If something makes you happy,

never hesitate to go ahead.

Provided you are not harming anybody else.

But the most difficult thing is,

Fear of being lonely in distress.

Yes if that is to happen.

Believe some light will shine.

Or to the other world you will be taken to rest in time.

NO FEAR JUST LIVE IN PEACE

DESTINY IS PREDETERMINED.

DR M P DAS

In the heart of the immigrant childrens mother

subtle but deep feelings bother .

Yes, the pandemic has come back faster .

The first wave had expectations and hope.

But now the second tsunami feels difficult to cope.

The international borders are sealed.

This mom’s security feels clipped.

The anxiety about illness, finances and all other needs,

These are the things for which all of us crib.

But what about the families across borders?

Yes, hope some souls ponder.

Man usually can never appreciate

what our heart does not penetrate.

All we can offer is a prayer,

Let the war get cooler.

For if the mind is still

The universe is conquered.

By

Dr Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

Being a doctor and a self proclaimed grounded person, I always believed in facing life as it comes .

I thought life comes in a platter of sweet, sour and bitter goodies. Our role is to enjoy whatever is served without a wince. But alas!!!today as I was brushing my hair in front of the mirror in my balcony, my attention slipped. I saw the glistening sands of time staring at me .My new wealth, the steaks of grey in my black crown which was perhaps holding all my youth.

I have always been a proponent of believing in the course of nature. I tell people, why colour your hair to camouflage age. We are part of nature’s lets move along with that course.I used to say, hair dye is artificial, topped with ammonia and ingredients toxic to health.

But now suddenly as I see own glistening streaks of silver, my thoughts, promises and faith all slip. I have started to ponder.Yes, I have googled for natural hair colours ( I know the gimmicks ).Still further for ammonia free colours. Yes this is me, I have pinched myself to believe.

This is definitely another lesson I have learnt with time.Never believe too much in your own convictions.Life is actually dynamic and so are our perceptions.What we believe today as perfect appears to be completely illogical when gazed from a different position in time and space.

This also carries the message that being dogmatic or fanatic in any way is immaturity. It is best to keep our bandwidth flexible and loosely comfortable.

Life is actually how you soak into a reality and feel at home with it.

Dr Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

One full calendar year health care workers sailed through the Covid storm facing all the crests and troughs with no complaints .No body expressed , but some were pregnant , some had infants at home others had ailing family members and yet others had elderly vulnerable parents .

Almost everyone else had the option to work from home . Like all others, health care workers also faced the shortage of food supplies and financial crunch . But some lucky people made dalgona coffee and baked cookies .

But what did the health worker face a little more ? There’s no question for the extra hours of sweat or toil . That’s for sure to the society we owe . But the concern is the mental agony .The constant fear of being a covid bomb to the family . The advice was to protect the paediatric and geriatric from the risk of covid exposure. But when there was constant risk of hospital ( red zone) shunting family member at home !!!! Has anyone wondered how people addressed that mammoth issue in the house . Some had to switch homes or hire new places . But nobody raised a voice .

The covid curve peaked through the days and seasons .The Almighty with everyones efforts got it flattened and scientists brought vaccines . The covid prevention protocol was never recommended to be put off guard .

But alas !! for just a handful of happy go lucky people . We forgot our restrictions . Just as Sita crossed the Laxman Rekha on being lured by Ravana . Our people got Off board with festivities .

But now , What are we headed for ?

We can see the sharp uprise in the immediate future . The economy will once again dip. People will go back home .Things will shut down .But what will happen to the tired , mentally depressed ,physically sick health care workers ? They were now trying to heal . Some of them needed medication and others not but the time to heal was still unfolding .

The thought of red zone duties once again with all the anxiety and pain.A wandering question , Could all this be avoided if people played safe?

Simple norms of hand hygiene , social distancing and Mask.

Sometimes a stitch in time can surely save a mighty nine .

We are still not inside the deep sea . Lets all try to be sensible and save mankind . Let our children live a normal life . I am sure the effect of this pandemic will be far reaching .

I pray that in a few decades from now hopefully the next generation will not blame the shadows of this biological war just like we still see the new generations continue to suffer from the nuclear bombing in Japan during the last century .

Dr Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

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