Category: Personal Musings / Realities of life

As we move in life it’s important to develop our emotional skills and sentimental resilience.

Some people are staunch believers that everything bad in this world happens to others and not me. This denial of accepting reality is often the main reason why we suffer whenever unexpected events strike. The ability to withstand a storm comes from one’s experience of having ever seen a hurricane in life. People who live on the sea shore are never scared of the tides and those who dwell on the snow capped mountains or the poles know how to survive through the harsh winters. But if these two persons had to interchange neither of them would sail out smiling. It’s always one’s ability to slides through sequence of adjustments that nurtures our competence to move on in life. Now this skill does not drop down from heaven as a blessing nor from the comforts and riches of wealthy homes. This ability is learnt from our exposure to real life situations that are grounding. Infact the delicately protected person who has always been hand held in life never knows to balance unseen or unheard realities.

These people are so protected throughout life that they sadly never had the opportunity of facing hurdles alone and as such could never learn the art of adjusting their sail in a tornado.

Another subset who unfortunately never got to face the world outside their restricted comfort zones are socially challenged. Many such people are academically brilliant. They can answer to the most difficult knowledge charged questions but are challenged in the skill to gel into a society of diverse individuals.

Blessed are the people who have been nurtured close to day to day realities of life. They know the topography of the land of their living with all its social, cultural, financial and ethical norms. This is never learnt from a glass palace. The person who has walked on the streets of life alone and unaided would know how to manoeuvre their way through without loosing ground while they sail.

It’s the misfit or labile person who lands up always cursing their situation. An emotionally healthy person can appreciate the reason and limitations of every other person who is good intentioned. They can also identify the swindler or the trickster.

However it’s crucial to understand that age, professional acuity, knowledge nothing can nurture emotional quotient. An individual’s real life journey and their will to appreciate the flow of life with all its ups and downs can perhaps make a person emotionally stable.

A person who is emotionally resilient is never remorseful of day to day realities.For them handling the usual events of life can neither make them fuming with anger nor trembling in fear.

Perhaps if we can live a life which comes within our bandwidth of abilities can we nurture emotional resilience.

by

Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

The place where the soul heals the heart rests, the mind feels comforted is what I believe is home. However there comes a time when I ask myself where’s my home? The house I call my nest is my home alone. My soul mate departed two decades back. The portions of my flesh and blood who I trust are my sons have made their homes across the globe. My little granddaughter who steals my heart everyday is actually not my nationality. I wonder so where is my home? As long as destiny permits my little nest built with all hopes and wishes which had housed me for over two decades I trust is my home.

But a home is a complete feeling when you have a family. I am of course blessed with a beautiful family . It’s just that my stars want me to keep looking at my family and wonder why I always long to be secured with them.

I have actually forgotten the feeling of warmth over a meal and laughter over uninhibited conversations.

Very few would I know even care to wonder how this feels. But yes when you are your own saviour your own companion and you own security it means your life is a pole apart.

There are certain situations in life where the message carried is far more valuable than the situation itself. Yes this is one such real life juncture that’s set my reflections rolling.

Most of my friends know that my two sons have made America their home. I as a mother have for decades faced weird questions at times, when people ask with concern about my future. However I have always allowed the wind of destiny to navigate my flow of life.

I believe a person with values of life will know when to hold and when to let go. Here’s a real life scenario that my two sons are handling at this moment and it makes me wonder how such values brewed in them.

Our elder son had gone to the US way back in 2008 just after his 12th standard examination, when actually a person in not moulded to full maturity to survive independently in a foreign country. Yes American kids also prefer to do the same in their own country with parental support in need. Here its a Indian boy brought up in a protected environment but nurturing beautiful dreams. Back up stands a mother who values every ambition of her children with huge trust, faith and hard work. This identical scenario was repeated in 2015 after 7 years when my younger son expressed his desire to pursue a similar dream.

Back home is this single mom believing that she perhaps has done everything in proper shape but unaware about what values she might have nurtured in them.

Now coming to the situation that triggered my reflection. When Raja our older son was an undergrad student he had met a professor in school who’s super brilliant but like many other geniuses his teacher was somewhat lacking in social skills. He retired over a decade ago, but he has no family. A newyorker settled in Kansas city with no immediate family is the real life scenario. So it’s obvious that Jeet our younger son never met him as his teacher. But I am at times amazed to see that my two boys and their wives are his only immediate family now. They always check on his groceries, medication and other essentials from time to time and they are just a phone call away in times of his distress. They sometimes cook meals for him and give him company when he’s is feeling lonely. They play board games and read books. Lately Saul has been on oxygen therapy round the clock as COPD has over powered his lungs injured by cigarette smoking through out his life.The emergency phone numbers for Mr Saul are the numbers of my two boys. Saul has even written that after his demise his formalities will be carried out by these two bothers.

This for me is really a make believe scenario where a ex student and his younger brother are the only next in kin of a great scholar and an asset of the country for all his scientific contributions.

Today Saul is in his death bed and my elder son has rushed back from a work trip from Albuquerque and Jeet who just got married a fortnight ago is also back from his honeymoon in Hawaii. They are trying to be by his side as long as possible either by turns or together. Their hope is that Saul does not take his last breath alone.

So here are the two brothers raised in a home far away by a lonely mother who always jittered to ask herself if everything was moving right.

May reflection today is “trust in destiny and do your best” .

The concept of weightage given to any event in our lives is entirely personal priority. However certain occasions I feel are accepted unanimously as landmark. Just as every mother and child are tied by the umbilical cord so also cutting it at birth does not ever mean emotional separation.

Can any mother appreciate the feeling of not being physically present for your child’s wedding. I am obviously not looking for an opinion poll. It’s just a personal gush of memories and thoughts that can torment some women.

As a child is born the wonderful journey of parenting starts, there begins healing of the child birth pain with all the outpouring of endorphins from maternal instincts. Nobody can naturally love a child as much as the mother who’s conceived, grown and borne a baby. It is difficult to sink into the reality that there may be a reason for a mom to miss out on such an important day of the child’s life.

After birth a very important day is obviously the occasion of the child’s wedding. There will be people who believe this is weird thinking. Thanks but I am not looking for you today.

It also depends on how one lines up each their own priorities. For a family who is on the path of immigration the equations are balanced a little differently. I want to see my sons settled comfortably with their soulmates at a time when they are looking for genuine companionship. Every first generation immigration has to handle the trauma of separation, loneliness and insecurities a little differently. I am that mother who has decided to not stand in between my childrens aspirations and ground realities. This wedding at this timing within 3 months of my last visit had to be planned because of better reasons.

For me juggling between the official formalities and responsibilities of a government job and the role of a mother were not easy to be sorted out. I did what my limitations said. But I am ok.

It’s a big day I am missing out in person. I am thankful to the almighty that Raja, Jessica and Alana are there. Mampu, Matu deserve a special thanks.

But my dear Jeet and Kylie, Ma loves you with all her heart and soul. Forgive me for my physical absence. But emotionally I am holding you.

God bless you my children.

28th October 2023

The ups the downs, the all time changing landscape of life is definitely not without reason. Every person one meets has personal stories to highlight, how unavoidable circumstances created storms of good and bad in living. Actually life is perhaps what happens when we are busy planning other things.

Looking back , I must admit that most of my seasoning has happened as a result of bitter realities. Unlucky are the ones who always had unchallenged cushioned sailing lives. If you have not faced a sea storm you don’t know how to adjust the sail to stand the wind.

Its only those people who have fought the rage of circumstances will have the skill to row steadily juggling the tormenting flow of unseen events.

Holding on cooly to the ground when the surroundings compel one to shunt between rage, fear, anxiety and emotions is actual maturity. Aaha! easier said than done. Situations that create moral conflict “to move or not/ yes or no” are at times taxing.

But we are all here on an unwritten contract of service to this universe for an undeclared duration. Since we are all in the same boat on uncertainties, we should learn the art of acceptance. The capability to live in the present moment accepting all blessings is a huge asset for some.

Mourning, brooding, complaining are basic responses. But smiling and moving through good and bad is definitely a consciously nurtured virtue.

But all said and done. Today I stand at a crossroad of huge happiness and uncontrolled emotions as my little boy is getting married across the globe in a week from now and I the single mom cannot make it to be there physically.

It’s Durga Puja here which means family bonding, celebrations and happiness. This soul here is already feeling left out. Nothing to get on to the spirit of the season. Over all that imagine your little Jeetla getting married in the midst of the mountains of Colorado in the company of his brother and cousins. Me the mother here is balancing sentiments and reality. Life will definitely move. I am not looking for words of comparison with anyone else. But this is life. Everything is possible and acceptance and moving on is what’s most practical.

Prayers, blessings, courage, love everything galore for Jeet and Kylie.

Children stay happy across this globe. Ma is with you in spirit and soul.

The sequence of childhood, student life, being independent and making a nest is the commonest route of a normal being. The flow is often not harmonious and is neither the same for everyone.
However the years of living through almost 6 decades of life has taught me that we evolve with this flow to be the person we become.
Early soul is much determined by nurturing. parental care and environmental exposure that creates an immutable imprint in the evolving canvas of life.
We are aware that overprotected children are often misfits in the real race of living. Similarly those kids who graze in life unadvised and often unsupervised are moulded either by comrades or the machine. The machine here is obviously the smart phone or computer.
With technology frequently overtaking humans as source of inputs it’s yet to unfold if we are building a frankenstine who will overpower us.
But the bottom line to childhood evolution I believe determines how robust a person one moulds up to be. We need to see every child is resilient, honest, perseverant and obviously smart to handle the common hurdles of life.
Having been equipped with these minimum armours each young adult stepping out of home takes that spring board dive into the turbulence of life. There begins the next phase of evolution.
Early in this phase our living is pretty much an impact of home and parenting. But as the external world starts to cast its effects the challenge of flowing or brooding is the next step of evolution. Some people achieve but are always counting all the hurdles they face. Yet another section of achievers are always ready to blend in and not complain. The smartest ones pursue their passions to unparalleled levels of achievements.
The impact of this level of evolution is how pleasant a person becomes. That cool steady enviable achiever has obviously created that aura with high levels of resilience.
The process of this evolution obviously continues. In late midlife, some get busy consolidating on what they have and yet others pursue for improvement. This balance is often interrupted by loss and disasters as well as happiness and peace.
The way one reacts to untoward happenings is crucial. It equips us to choose to flow or to go slow in the following days.
No person in this world has ever had only an upward curve in life.The dips and breaks in the curve of life usually makes us brave and strong if we allow it to be.
But finally I have noticed many people reach a stage of serene calmness. Once we learn to gauge our expectations we can control our reaction to every event in life.
Happy is the person who knows his position in every other acquaintances life.
Immediate family is of course the highest priority. But once the children grow to a stage when they have built their own nests, it’s important to leave that space. Emotional bonding continues to grow with time. But the art of balancing emotions and physical expectations is crucial.
However an additional baggage that feels heavy at this stage is insecurity of the limitations of age and health.
It’s perhaps something which we cannot off load till death. But if we can hold hands with like minded friends perhaps the flow gets going.
Life will move on till destined. Whether we choose to lament or rejoice is how we have evolved with the landmark events of our lives.
Some things are also easier said than done.
But trying to be resilient and peaceful is a journey we can embark on with an effort to sail happily.

We all wake up to a 24 hours day. Certain activities are common to all. We run through morning chores as we desire. Then we generally plunge into a day of designed desired and sorted course of occupations. The sequence of the day is undoubtedly as per our personal priorities of choice. At the end of it all when people say I couldn’t manage this because of time. The blatant answer is “its not time but sequencing of priority of that activity being placed far down”.
There is no factor as time for a task that one would like to complete. A parent for a child, a child for their parent, a good friend, a close family, a bread earning job these activities are always done and dusted on time.
Time! is the one and only variable that’s completely in the users choice to plan how it’s consumed.
This use of time is again a great pre-determinant of the overall life style of any person. Procrastination which we all have done for certain activities in life have made us realise that we could never achieve certain things which we did not allow in our band width.
Planning and wilful implementation of choice is the single factor that allows completion of tasks.
Yes, certain unmodifiable variables in life are illness, financial limitations and other disabilities.
But all said and done, it’s on the user to plan how we desire to use time.
Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

Some questions forever remained unanswered for me:

Why do rich people struggle to get richer and not enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

Why do the poor sometimes refuse to work better for a decent living.

Why some parents struggle to fulfil their dreams playing with the lives and likes of their children.

Why humans create rules which are painful to abide.

Why empathy is not common.

Why there’s jealousy, hatred and deceit.

Why some minds cannot care beyond self.

Why it’s not common to appreciate people when they are alive.

Why do we struggle to keep a dying man alive at the cost of disrespecting the soul.

Why many realities never seep into the most intelligent minds when they run after fantasy.

Life becomes simpler with acceptance and faith.

Living is an art and peace is a goal.

Dr M P Das

The only constant in life I’ve realised is change. Nothing in reality is permenant except the moment we are living in. Every time we make a decision or take a step we believe it’s forever. In reality the play of luck, chance and destiny actually decides what’s going to carry on and what unknowingly topples off from our basket.

long 35 years back on this day I had steeped into wedlock with the prince of my dream and firmly believed that I’ve stepped into my ship for life. Sweet 16 years rolled on with pleasure and pain and the warmth of love and care. We were blessed with two lovely boys. But one fine day most unknowingly a huge storm struck us. As the kids were learning to survive and so was me their mother, destiny snatched the man of my life and the father of the boys away. We cried, we jittered, we sank but we rose. Life has never been the same for me again, but we learnt to sail.

Today as I look back, I perceive that every change in life comes with a reason. Perhaps the cushioned and secured life which we had would not have made us the warriors that me and my boys evolved to be. Harsh but true. I would never rise up to shoulder all pain of commitments as a parent alone if my efficient spouse would share everything. I also wonder if our boys would work this hard and sincerely if struggles did not emerge.

Our lives are what destiny had decided. But we are properly placed where we deserve to be.

“The greatest reality is we have learnt to accept the change and sail along with the limitations”

THE ESSENCE OF LIFE IS ACCEPT AND BE HAPPY

Dr Madhumita Priyadarshini Das

Have you ever walked on busy public corridors and hospital ramps. Have you noticed the irresponsible pedestrian lift an arm and start walking across a busy crossroad the moment your traffic signal turns green. These are just a few examples of day to day evolution of the guwahati pedestrians.

It’s an unwritten rule that the way we drive on the left side of the road so should we walk on our left to ease movements. We should always walk on the foot path / side walks on all busy roads.Crossing a road is obviously at designated points. Our city has foot bridges and zebra crossings. But some people still enjoy blocking the traffic by walking at their sweet pace enjoying phone conversations even at points like hospital entrances.

The other day I was walking up the hospital ramp. Suddenly I noticed a young boy busy on his mobile phone walk to me as if to crash me down. I tried to draw his attention and said, ” hi look ahead as you walk”. The reply was arrogant and blurty ” any problem?” He brushed past me, I turned around while obviously on duty and looked at him. This young man with ear phones and sandles blissfully walked away as if it’s all my fault.

It’s perhaps time to teach our children in school that even walking in public places is as per rules.

People seem to be at ease of pace on busy roads while at places where we are expected to queue up like shops and banks everyone is in a hurry. If somehow you get busy taking out your wallet or spectacle while in a queue you will surely be pushed aside by the person behind. But I just fail to understand why.

True that we are a country where population is our huge asset. But perhaps if we can focus on issues of self discipline may be a lot of interpersonal interactions will get better.

Dr Madhumita Priyadarshini Das